I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
