I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
