She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
