They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
