what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
