The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
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He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
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God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
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