Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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