What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
