I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
