I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
