Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
