??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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