I just made out with a guy for $7.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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