The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ladies don't puke and tell
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
