Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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