Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
