I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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