I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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