Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
