My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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