You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
