Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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