i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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