my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
