dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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