I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
