Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
