I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
