Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
