i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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