I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
