When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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