I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
