Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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