Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
