Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
