He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
