I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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