tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
it's like heaven, but drunker
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
