I murdered the dance floor call the cops
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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