I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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