let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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