you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
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I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
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you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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