yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
