yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
