Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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