and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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