cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
