I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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