I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
