i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
