I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
