just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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