we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
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There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
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I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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