Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
