Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
