1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
