Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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