Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
