1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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