and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
